Essays – swamp pink

IRL

October 2, 2024

At lunchtime, I take a break from the computer. I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on soft wheat bread, cut it in half, remove the crust, and put it on a plate. Mom says 21 Cheetos is a serving and lately she literally counts them and puts them into plastic baggies...

Chili Padi Girl in a Chili Padi World

August 22, 2024

I have been forced to move too many times. But the process of settling in is always the same. The first priority is to search nearby for a good, affordable Thai restaurant. It is a temporary emergency exit. I have been conditioned by my mother to eat out my sadness; a meal with rich, complicated...

I Had Better Tell You Where I Am

Makawao Where the bakery opens at seven A.M. We’re late—nearly noon—and as my husband and I make our way to Komoda’s, I notice that the streets feel lived-in here. Three days on Maui, and it’s the first time we’ve made our way upcountry, a term that implies a lofted separation. Mount Olympus and its Gods....

I give my brother the talk

Author’s note: This essay mentions a conversation about drugs that occurred before the fentanyl crisis, which when added to other drugs massively increases the risk of overdose. Learn about narcan and fentanyl test strips for the safety of you and your community. A talk about happiness He sneaks into my bedroom but I’m awake, making my face blank. He pinches...

Flicker

January 18, 2024

My interest in birds begins with a flicker. With two flickers: medium-sized birds of the woodpecker family, though I don’t know this at the time. I’m alone with my dogs in the living room when they erupt from the fireplace. They fill the room with wilderness: with wingbeats and flapping, voiceless commotion. They bang against...

It Isn't All Cowboys and Indians

January 18, 2024

I. I imagine Tenskwatawa staring at the sky, watching a slew of shooting stars. A thousand white rockets against the blue-black. Maybe a mosquito bit him while he watched. Maybe the swollen mound that came up from his skin reminded him of the body he was in. Maybe then the gears started turning. Maybe he...

Descent

November 7, 2023

There are islands full of people who say my name the way it’s meant to be said. Noy. Noy-luh-nee. It took me years to realize I was saying it wrong. At this point in my life, dozens and dozens of people have asked me how to say it. Nearly everyone I’ve met. “Is that right?”...

Separation Rituals

October 10, 2023

Day One After my children leave for their father’s house, I place the pillows on the sofa and fluff them. I am like Mr. Potato Head collecting toys in my elbow creases. The cat has not yet returned from her daily jaunt to take comfort in the afternoon sun patterning the floor. Every angle the...

Tie-Bow

October 10, 2023

I remember how my friend Kara said “I like to marinate in my own juices awhile” when she didn’t change out of her sweats immediately after Tie-Bow. I couldn’t remember if Tie-Bow was one word or two, or if there were any capitalizations or diacriticals involved, so I had to look it up. For the...

Anatomical Manuscripts

August 29, 2023

My father had a pigeon coop in our backyard, and he cared for what seemed like a hundred birds. He fed them, administered medication, fastened a small metal band around a leg of each bird, let us name them. On weekends he selected a few and raced them against pigeons belonging to other men. He...

In Which My Seasonal Affective Disorder Manifests As Incessant Dreams About Ben Schwartz

The First Dream Here’s the first dream, from the night that bridged October 3 and October 4: I walk into a room. A series of stairs lead to a curved bay window. It’s dark outside. Along the stairs are bookshelves filled with books. In the center of the platform around which the bay windows surround...

What Comes Next

February 27, 2023

My first job is at a desert of a store, tucked in the West Texas Panhandle, next to the Bible Mart and across from the Zales. At just the right angle from inside the store, the city waterpark peeks out from behind the glossy wedding band shop, all faded-blue loopy slides from the seventies and...